Bob & Mandy Eubanks stands on an empty stage next to six chairs in three sets of pairs.
BOB EUBANKS: Hello, everyone! And welcome to this special 50th Anniversary Reunion episode of The Newlywed Game. I am your host, Bob Eubanks, the original host when this show first aired back in 1966. And with me tonight, my one-time co-host and former-wife: Mandy (I can’t believe she still goes by) Eubanks.
MANDY EUBANKS: Thanks for that, Bob. Thanks a *whole* bunch. Let’s get started and introduce our contestants. First up are the Joyces who appeared in the first season of the show. Let’s give them a big round of applause!
Hank and Henrietta enter the stage and sit in the first set of chairs.
BOB EUBANKS: Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Joyce. Say hello and tell us a little about yourselves.
HANK: Hello. My name is Hank Joyce and this is my lovely wife, Henrietta. We’re both retired.
HENRIETTA: Well, I’m still keeping house.
HANK: And doing a lovely job, dear. I think I’ll keep her, Bob.
MANDY EUBANKS: Still in love after all these year! Isn’t that beautiful? What with the not running off with a younger woman, only to cheat on her too.
BOB EUBANKS: Let’s introduce our next couple, who also appeared on our first season of The Newlywed Game. Everyone give a warm welcome to the Todds!
Mal and Constance enter and sit in the second set of chairs.
MANDY EUBANKS: Welcome, Mal and Constance. Tell our viewers: how have you stayed happily married all these years?
MAL: Who said anything about being happy?
CONSTANCE: I told you not to embarrass me, Mal.
MAL: Bite me, Constance.
CONSTANCE: I will slap you on live TV if you . . .
MANDY EUBANKS: And our final contestants also appeared on our first season, but *not* married to each other. A big welcome to the Fitzgerald-Unger-Collins-Kennedys!
BOB EUBANKS (to producer off screen): Couldn’t we have just gone with their initials here? What? Oh . . . Good call.
Cindi and Shannyn enter and take the last set of chairs.
BOB EUBANKS: Welcome Cindi and Shannyn. Tell us how you two love-birds met.
CINDI: Hello, I’m Cindi with two I’s and I object to being referred to by such an archaic and misogynistic term as “bird.”
BOB EUBANKS: Oh. No. That’s not what I meant. I . . .
SHANNYN: Hello. I’m Shannyn with a Y and we met when we appeared on the show with our husbands.
CINDI: Shannyn opened my eyes to my true self.
SHANNYN: And Cindi introduced me to true love.
BOB EUBANKS: Ain’t love grand, ladies and gentlemen? Sometimes you don’t find it with your *first* spouse, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find *true* love.
MANDY EUBANKS: Let’s get this game started! Contestants, please pick up your cue cards and place them on your laps face-down. For any first time viewers, here’s how this works. Each of our contestants were isolated from their spouses and asked a series of questions. It will be up to their better-halves to correctly match their answers. The couple with the most matches wins the game! Contestants, are you ready?
Couples answer to varying degrees of enthusiasm.
BOB EUBANKS: Constance, the first question goes to you. We asked Mal to finish this sentence: I wish my spouse would stop *blank*. I wish my spouse would stop *blanks.* Constance, what do you think Mal’s answer is?
CONSTANCE: Living.
BOB EUBANKS: A bit of black humor to start the show folks.
CONSTANCE: No. Mal really wishes I’d stop living.
Mal holds up a blank cue card.
MANDY EUBANKS: Mal, I think you’ve got your cue card turned around.
MAL: No. It’s blank. I wish she would stop, full stop. I just want her to stop . . . everything: talking, chewing loudly, breathing, everything.
MANDY EUBANKS: Judges? Okay, they’re going to accept that as a match.
BOB EUBANKS: I did not expect that. Moving on. Shannyn, with a Y, how do you think Cindi finished the sentence: I wish . . .
SHANNYN: No need to man-splain it to me again, Bob. I got it the first time.
BOB EUBANKS: No. I wasn’t trying to . . .
SHANNYN: Cindi wishes I would stop calling my ex-husband.
Cindi holds up a cue card with “EATING MEAT” written on it.
CINDI: Oh, Shannyn. I understand that you have children together and need to discuss things. You don’t need to apologize for being a good parent. But I do wish you’d stop eating the flesh of our earth siblings.
Bob and Mandy mouth the words “earth siblings” in confusion.
SHANNYN: I haven’t eaten meat in years.
CINDI: What about the bear meat you had last Summer Solstice with your cousins?
SHANNYN: Well, I could hardly turn down the chance to try eating a bear.
BOB EUBANKS: No match there, but wow! You ate a bear? That’s a memory you’ll never forget.
MANDY EUBANKS: Let’s move on to the Joyces. Hank, how do you think Henriette finished the sentence: I wish my spouse would stop *blank?*
HANK: I think Henrietta said she’d wish I would stop . . . drinking so much beer.
MANDY EUBANKS: And Henrietta, your answer was . . . ?
Henrietta holds up cue card with “DRINKING” written on it.
BOB EUBANKS: “Drinking” is correct. We have a match and the Joyces are on the board. On to round two! Henrietta, it’s your turn to answer a question. What is the most surprising gift your spouse ever gave you?
HENRIETTA: Okay. I guess the most surprising gift Hank ever gave me was seven, beautiful, healthy children. He didn’t tell me twins ran in his family until after the first set. And then . . . Well, the second and third sets were equally surprising.
BOB EUBANKS: I can only imagine, am I right men? Hank, what is your answer?
Hank holds up a cue card reading “CHLAMYDIA.”
MANDY EUBANKS: That is . . . That is not a . . . I was *not* expecting that. Wow! Live television, ladies and gentlemen. Wow.
Henrietta rips the cue card out of Hank’s hand, tears it in two, and smacks Hank with it.
HENRIETTA: Hank! I’ve told you time and again that I contracted chlamydia from a public toilet seat. Bob, I can show you a letter from my doctor . . .
HANK: Her cousin, the doctor.
HENRIETTA: It was thirty years ago, Hank! Get over it!
MANDY EUBANKS: That’s a great idea, Henrietta. Cindi on to you.
CINDI: I don’t mind waiting while the Joyces finish working through their disagreement. They seem like they have some deep-seated issues that still need resolving.
BOB EUBANKS: No! No. I’m the conductor and I say this trainwreck is pulling out of this particular station. Cindi, what’s the most surprising gift Shannyn, with a Y . . . somewhere in her name . . . ever gave you?
CINDI: I’d have to say the Mushroom of the Month subscription from The Republic of Organic Dining Commune. That was very thoughtful of her and . . .
Shannyn holds up a cue card reading “GRANDMOTHER’S DIAMOND RING.”
SHANNYN: Was it more special than my grandmother’s diamond wedding ring? The one she hid from the Nazis for months in the camp before escaping over the Alps with it and bequeathing it to me on her deathbed?
CINDI: Oh, my. I can’t believe I completely forgot about it.
SHANNYN: How could you possible forget it? You are *literally* wearing it right now.
MANDY EUBANKS: Mal! Let’s move along to Mal, who’s turn it is next . . . I mean right now. Mal, please answer the question. Please.
MAL: I don’t remember the question, but there’s no *way* my answer is going to top the first two.
MANDY EUBANKS: The gift, Mal. What was the most surprising gift Constance ever gave you?
MAL: Right. Let me see. I guess I’d have to say, that I was most surprised when Constance gave me a male heir. Oh, wait. That’s right; she’s barren and we’ll die alone in our crappy little apartment, waiting for neighbors to notice the stench of our rotting corpses while the cat feasts on our entrails.
Constance holds up cue card reading “BITTERNESS.”
MANDY EUBANKS: Okay, Mal that has to be the meanest answer I’ve ever heard on The Newlywed Game, and we started this round off with chlamydia. But . . . and this is another shocker . . . the judges are telling me that they will accept “Bitterness” as a match. Congratulations? How are the Todds winning?
BOB EUBANKS: Let’s move on to the final round. We’ve asked all six of you the same question. And if your answer matches with your spouse’s, you get three points. This means it’s still anyone’s game to win. Cindi and Shannyn, you’ve yet to score any points. But, if your answers match . . . you could still win! Are you ready?
CINDI/SHANNYN: Yes.
BOB EUBANKS: Of course, we’d have to finish with a big question. *The* Newlywed Game Question: Where is the strangest place you ever “made whoopee?”
Cindi holds up a card reading “The Lady’s Room, backstage at the Newlywed Game, the day we met on the show.”
MANDY EUBANKS: Perhaps more detail than we needed, but . . . romantic in its own, adulterous way.
SHANNYN: That’s so sweet. I should have thought of that.
Shannyn holds up a sign reading “The top of the Eiffel Tower, New Year’s Day 1984.”
CINDI: Oh, my. I can’t believe I forgot about that threesome. That was quite some day.
BOB EUBANKS: I’m sure that’s a fascinating story and I want to hear more about it . . . after the show, but that’s not a match. I’m sorry. Hank and Henrietta. It’s been a rough show for both of you, but you could still win with a match. So . . . where was the strangest place you ever “made whoopee?”
Hank holds up a sign reading “The hotel jacuzzi on our honeymoon.” Henrietta holds up a sign reading “The top of the Eiffel Tower, New Year’s Day 1984.”
MANDY EUBANKS: Oh, I’m sorry. It appears that we’ve got a mix up with a duplicate cue card.
HENRIETTA: No. This is my card. This is my answer.
HANK: But we never went to the top of the Eiffel Tower when we were there in ’84.
HENRIETTA: *We* didn’t, no. But while you slept off another hangover, I went by myself and . . .
Henrietta leans over and winks at Cindi & Shannyn who wave back.
BOB EUBANKS: Best. Answer. Ever! But not a match, which means Mal and Constance are our winners!
MAL: Don’t we get to answer the question?
CONSTANCE: Yeah. We came all this way.
MANDY EUBANKS: I suppose. Go ahead.
Mal & Constance hold up their cue card reading “Bob Eubank’s office before the show today.” Bob is outraged, but Mandy laughs as Mal & Constance start making out and Hank & Henrietta storm off the show.
BOB EUBANKS: And that’s our show, everyone! Thanks for tuning in. And I can’t believe I came out of retirement for this.
BOB & MANDY: Good night!