ACT I
Scene 1
General GEORGE WASHINGTON stands at the bow of a small Durham boat (a la ‘Washington Crossing the Delaware’ painted by German-American artist Emanuel Gottlieb Leutze). Continental Soldiers, ALBERT and FRANCIS, sit in the stern of the boat and pretend to row. The FLAG BEARER, stands and recites a sonnet (Washington Crossing the Delaway written by David Shulman), as if composing it on the spot.
The sound of “O Tannenbaum” is just audible in the distance, as water laps against the boat.
FLAG BEARER: A hard, howling, tossing water scene.
Strong tide was washing hero clean.
“How cold!” Weather stings as in anger.
O Silent night shows war ace danger!
FRANCIS: Oh, shut the fuck up, sonnet-boy!
ALBERT: (to Francis) Steady now, young Francis. (to Flag Bearer) Please excuse my cranky companion, good sir. However, while I disagree with his verbiage, I feel I must concur with his sentiment. Would you please be so kind as to sit quietly, so as to not rock the boat.
FLAG BEARER: This is no mere boat. This is a flat-bottomed Durham . . . em . . . boat.
ALBERT: Thank you for the nautical lesson, fair sailor. But my compatriot and myself know full well what style of vessel this is.
FRANCIS: You tell him, Albert.
ALBERT: (to Francis) I am endeavoring to do so, spirited Francis. Please interrupt no further. (to Flag Bearer) You see, master flag bearer, it was my friend and I who spent all day searching up and down the Delaware River looking for enough of these fine boats to carry the whole of the Continental Army across this river.
FRANCIS: With massive holes in our boots, no less. And all so that . . . Well, for what?
FLAG BEARER: Why, to sneak up on those devilish Hessian mercenaries and defeat them on this Christmas night. So, perhaps, I should be seated in silence.
ALBERT: Thank you kindly for the exposition, wise sage, but those Germans aren’t going to hear us over their own singing. Pray listen closely.
The three characters strain to hear “O Tannenbaum” playing slightly louder in the distance.
FRANCIS: This sneak attack is never going to work.
FLAG BEARER: Of course it will work. General Washington is a military genius who . . .
ALBERT: Who has been getting his pantaloons handed to him by the Red Coats for months, if you will pardon my colorful language, oh admiring one.
FRANCIS: Yeah. Your “military genius” up there has been in full retreat since being run out of New York.
FLAG BEARER: Oh, ye of little faith! You should be proud to be part of the elite three percent of colonists brave enough to stand up to auld King George.
ALBERT: I beg, most humbly, to differ. You claim this three percent are the brave elites. I suggest we are but a desperate, almost insignificant, minority.
FRANCIS: Aye-aye! Maybe if Washington there was more popular, he won’t have needed a couple of criminals like Albert and me to steal all these damned boats.
FLAG BEARER: These boats were not willingly donated to the cause of our great revolution?
ALBERT: Alas, fellow soldier, let us just say that the other 97% were not so keen on the prospect of having their boats destroyed in an inevitable defeat by the Hessian Huns.
FLAG BEARER: Perhaps what you need is more inspiration.
ALBERT: Please, no. No more sonnet composing, I beseech you.
FRANCIS: Fair play. We’ll stop complaining if you don’t . . .
The Flag Bearer straightens up and clears his throat before returns to reciting his sonnet.
ALBERT: Too late; the muse has possessed him.
FRANCIS: Son of a patriot!
FLAG BEARER: The cold waters swashing on in rage.
Redcoats warn slow his hint engage.
When star general’s action wish’d “Go!”
He saw his ragged continentals row.
ALBERT: Despite your courageous encouragement, I shall not row again until my wages have been paid in full.
FRANCIS: Aye, what Albert doeth said. Our enlistment officially ended months ago and we’re owed back pay.
FLAG BEARER: Then why are you two even here? Why not desert like so many others?
ALBERT: A fair question, ferry man. We are but orphan-like, with ne’er a place to go.
FRANCIS: Aye, even before the war, we was wanted by the Red Coats for thievery and . . . What was the other thing we was wanted for?
ALBERT: Larceny, I believe is what the magistrate said.
FLAG BEARER: That is the same thing, you . . . you . . . common criminals.
ALBERT: Mercy, kind soul. We are not “common.”
FRANCIS: (to Albert) We’re a bit common, so we are.
ALBERT: Well, yes we are “commoners,” to be true. But we are not . . . “common.”
FRANCIS: A distinction without a difference, Albert. But I’ll take it. Thank you.
ALBERT: You are welcome, Francis. But we most definitely are criminals, of that there is no doubt.
FRANCIS: Oh, certainly. If they knew half the other stuff we’ve done, we’d be hanged twice over.
FLAG BEARER: How did General Washington ever allow the likes of you into this grand army?
ALBERT: Because, noble Christian, Washington’s “grand army” is constantly in short supply of . . . well, supplies.
FRANCIS: And we bring certain skills to the . . .
ALBERT: . . . creative procurement of . . .
FRANCIS: . . . supplies.
FLAG BEARER: This is a disgrace.
ALBERT: I cannot argue that point. But the next time General Washington needs a fleet of boats at short notice, he can build them out of cherry trees that he cuts down himself.
FRANCIS: Now *that* is the honest truth.
Albert and Francis laugh at their joke.
FLAG BEARER: How dare you! That story of George Washington as a young and . . .
ALBERT: . . . vandalous . . .
FLAG BEARER: . . . honest man is the very reason why we can trust him to lead us to freedom.
ALBERT: Or, more likely, good-hearted friend, it is just more public relation . . .
FRANCIS: . . . poetic license . . .
ALBERT: . . . intended to swell his ranks to four, perhaps even five percent of the colonists.
FLAG BEARER: Why I . . .
ALBERT: You what, noble flag bearer?
FLAG BEARER: I ought to . . .
FRANCIS: Steady now! He’s going to “ought to.”
The Flag Bearer turns once more and clears his throat in preparation of sonnet-ing.
FRANCIS: Aw, now there is no need to start all that again.
ALBERT: I’m afraid we asked for this stanza, dear friend.
FLAG BEARER: Ah, he stands – sailor crew went going.
And so this general watches rowing.
He hastens – winter again grows cold.
A wet crew gain Hessian stronghold.
ALBERT: And why Hessians do you think, young scholar?
FRANCIS: Maybe there weren’t enough Red Coats, what with the British Empire stretched thin across the globe.
FLAG BEARER: And don’t forget that dirty auld King George is German, himself.
ALBERT: Well, his family is of Germanic stock.
FLAG BEARER: Once a German, always a . . .
FRANCIS: But he’s the king of England. Surely, that makes him at least a bit British.
FLAG BEARER: I suppose, technically. But at heart he is still German, at heart.
ALBERT: Doesn’t that make us still British, at heart, as you so cleverly stated? What with all of us being born in a British colony?
FLAG BEARER: No. That’s not . . .
ALBERT: And how do you think that makes immigrants to England feel, good soul?
FLAG BEARER: How would I . . . ?
ALBERT: That is to say, if you will forgive this uneducated man’s ponderings, if the royal head of state and of church, with all his land and wealth and power, is not English enough for the likes of you . . . ?
FRANCIS: When will people learn to accept immigrants?
ALBERT: Wisely posed, young Francis. For are we not all immigrants, save the noble and savage Indians?
FLAG BEARER: I ought to smash your teeth in for such talk.
ALBERT: Do as you feel you must, gentle soldier. However, even if you did manage to do either of us dental harm . . . we would simply ask auld General Washington to chop down another cherry tree and make us a set of false teeth.
Albert and Francis laugh while the Flag Bearer fumes, before clearing his throat to continue his sonnet in protest.
FLAG BEARER: George can’t lose war with’s hands in;
He’s astern – so go alight, crew, and win!
GEORGE WASHINGTON: Oh, shut the fuck up, sonnet-boy!
“O Tannenbaum” grows louder.
The End