A figure dressed in black, except for a red beret enters centre stage and raises a defiant fist.
SPEAKER – Glitter is Evil!
The figure relaxes to arms-akimbo stance.
SPEAKER – It’s as simple as that. Even if scientists were to invent a bio-degradable, Eco-friendly glitter . . . it is still wrong.
Speaker begins pacing the stage.
SPEAKER – Even when suspended in some form of glue or gel, it still always leaves a mess. A mess that is never fully cleaned up and almost never by the person who caused the glitter catastrophe (a “glit-tastrophe”) in the first place. It’s selfish that way. It downright childish, and not child-like at all.
The speaker comes to a halt and pauses a moment, before turning back to the audience.
SPEAKER – It’s bad enough when parents and teachers, adults who aught to know better, cave in and let kids run wild with it (glitter, by definition, cannot be contained). The fact that adolescents tend to favour it just proves that they are cognitively still underdeveloped and probably shouldn’t be allowed to vote or drink . . . not if glitter is the type of life choices some of them are making. Being sleep deprived is no excuse for bad parenting.
Speaker holds up hands to ward off abuse.
SPEAKER – Oh, I see you silently judging me, just because I don’t have any children. But I was a child once and let me tell you . . .
Speaker claps hands and shakes head.
SPEAKER – But I digress.
Speaker renews pacing.
SPEAKER – If it weren’t such an annoying nuisance, then why is a “glitter bomb” such a popular way to piss off enemies? An American started a business mailing glitter to people’s enemies for a fee. And even though he was making money, hand-over-fist, he shut the company down rather than have to deal with all that glitter. When a capitalist would rather retire than make easy money, then you know the product is truly evil.
Speaker returns to centre stage.
SPEAKER – And only if it were just glitter.
Speaker holds up one finger.
SPEAKER – There’s confetti (AKA: fat glitter);
Speaker holds up a second finger.
SPEAKER – Tinsel (AKA: long Christmas glitter);
Speaker holds up a third finger.
SPEAKER Powdered-sugar (AKA: confectionery glitter);
Speaker holds up a fourth finger.
SPEAKER – and perhaps worst of all . . . Sand (AKA: Mother Nature’s glitter).
Speaker clenches fist and shakes it.
SPEAKER – Oh, there’s that judgmental glare, again. But if you’ve ever spent even a moment of time at the beach or in a desert, then you know . . . you know in your heart-of-hearts, even if you won’t admit it aloud . . . that you’re finding sand in crevices you didn’t even know you had for weeks. MONTHS!
Speaker takes a deep breath and pauses.
SPEAKER – And yet somehow, and for some-why, humanity has found a way to take the single most annoying inanimate part of nature . . . and manufacture an unnatural, UNHOLY . . . previously unimaginable evil . . . that we waste, WASTE, not just our hard-earned cash on, but our precious and limited time on.
Speaker takes a step forward.
SPEAKER –Only when we all stand together can we end the scourge that is glitter.
Speaker raises both arms over head.
SPEAKER – Stand up. Stand up! Stand up and say it with me, everyone: Glitter is evil!
Speaker exits, chanting “Glitter is evil!”